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♪ The Simpsons ♪

2
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[bell rings]

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[burps]

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[horn blows]

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[screams]

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-[horn honks]
-[yelps]

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D'oh!

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[screams]

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How are you just sitting there?

10
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Your mom hit me with her car!

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She smashed me through a solid oak door!

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How could you not see me in the garage?

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I was running away
and screaming in terror! [panting]

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There's wood everywhere in me!

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And why the hell was Maggie
in the front seat?

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[Bart] Hey, everybody, look what we got.

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[Lisa] A dog!

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Something to share our love.
And frighten prowlers.

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What's his name?

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Number 8. [stammers]
I mean, Santa's Little Helper.

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Look at him. He's just a little mister.

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I'm gonna love you and smooch you
and use you as a pillow.

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[Homer, Bart] Yeah!

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And play with you and ride you to school
and sic you on my enemies.

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[Homer, Lisa] Yeah!

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And feed you healthy food,
and give you plenty of exercise

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and teach us all lessons
about responsibility.

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Yeah!

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Absolutely, Marge.
The whole family will pitch in and…

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Oh, my God, it's your first Christmas.
Here, boy, have a gingerbread house.

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[laughing] He loves it!

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[Marge] Family meeting.

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Why is the dog wearing a swim diaper?

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It's too cold to take him outside.

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And he loves it.

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[Homer, dog burp]

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[Marge] Family meeting.

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So now he's eating at the table?

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He can't eat under the table because
that's where he threw up his waffles.

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Watch this.

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Gobble, gobble.

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[laughs] He loves it.

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[groans]

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Family meeting.

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Family?

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[laughing]

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Oh, it's Mom. Back up, back up, back up!

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[all] He loves it!

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Nothing calms me down like
making a fresh batch of ambrosia salad

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with plenty of grapes.

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And a plunk of mayo to make my "day-o."

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[gasps]

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No! No, no, no, no, no! Bad boy!

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[gasps] Wait.

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Alexa, are grapes toxic to dogs?

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[Alexa] What the hell did you do, lady?

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You gotta help my dog.

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Take a number.
We'll be with you as soon as possible.

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But he ate a whole ambrosia with grapes.

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What the hell did you do, lady?

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-Code purple!
-[alarm blares]

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Get me 30 ccs of Plastimin,
four heliostic probes,

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and the most ultra-realistic,
gory-looking stomach pump we've got.

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Where's the nice, mousy intern
who always maintains her youthful optimism

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in the face of constant trauma?

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That would be me.
[chuckles] May I say--

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Shut up! We have a greyhound to save.

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Who's a good boy? You're a good boy.

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Cram that tube down his throat!

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-Mrs. Simpson.
-Yes?

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I need you to answer me honestly.

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How many grapes
did you put in that ambrosia?

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The recipe calls for two dozen.

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Twenty-four? You gave him 24 grapes?

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But one rolled under the refrigerator.

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Oh. Thank God. Then we got 'em all.

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We got 'em all!

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[all] Whoo!

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Your pup is going to be just fine.

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Oh! Thank God.

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If you'll excuse me,

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I have to go to a quiet room
and cry because of what you did.

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Ambrosia!

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There's my little mis-- Oh.

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Hi, my name is Adrienne.
I'm the staff nutritionist and trainer.

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You want your dog to live a long time,
don't you?

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You betcha.

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Then he'll need to lose a lot of weight.

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He's what we in the canine wellness field
call, "Damn, that dog's fat."

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The best way to get a greyhound back
in shape is to get his diet under control,

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and then through agility training,
and maybe even competitions.

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Ooh, I save videos of those.

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Let's see how you do, boy. Follow me.

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Maybe this isn't for him.

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Okay. Straight talk, your dog is chonky,
but he doesn't have to become a chonkster.

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If you sign him up for my program, we can
make sure he's around for a long time.

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Let's do it.

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[dog barks]

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[♪ "Far From Over" plays]

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[cheering]

101
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We won again.

102
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Good job, boy. Here, finish my hot dog.

103
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No! He has to stay healthy.

104
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He qualified for the nationals
in Philadelphia.

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A trip to Philadelphia?

106
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I can see where the Founding Fathers
signed the Constitution.

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And I can crack the other side
of the Liberty Bell and finish the job.

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Philadelphia, my kinda town.

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Throwing ice balls at Santa Claus,
climbing greasy streetlamps.

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The city where Lenny Dykstra
learned to be crazy,

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where every steak is cheesed
and every tush is pushed.

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Even though I've never been, I feel like
I was born there and I never left.

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But I'm not gonna die there.
Oh, no. Not Homer Simpson.

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You'll see. I'll show 'em all!

115
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I guess what I'm trying to say is
the Simpsons are going to Philadel--

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[blows whistle] Sit!

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This dog is only healthy because
I saved him from your dangerous pampering.

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So I'm keeping him far away
from you bad influences.

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The Simpson is going to Philadelphia.
"Simpson."

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[whining]

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[♪ upbeat music plays]

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Yo, welcome to the Hotel Philadelphia.

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We offer 24-hour room service
from our full Boyz II Menu.

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And if you need a water or any other jawn,

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just ring the Patti LaBelle,
and we'll send a jabroni right up.

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So Philadelphia.
Are the beds made of cream cheese?

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The cream cheese ain't got nothing
to do with this town!

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It's just a name! Have some class!

129
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Now, would you like the Silver Linings
Playbook Room or the Fresh Prince suite?

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Fresh Prince.
We can chill out, max, and relax all cool.

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-Right, little mister?
-[barks]

132
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And where would you like me
to put the big mister?

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[Homer groans]

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Are we there yet?

135
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You stowed away for an 18-hour drive?

136
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Ugh. Just send him to the room.

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Come on, boy.

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And I thought I'd surprise you
by coming along and supporting you

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and our furry fellow
as he tries to win the Kentucky Derby.

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I swear I'm only here for you.

141
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[grunts, screams]

142
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What is that paper?

143
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Paper? [gulps] What paper?

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Homer, release.

145
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"Awesome things for me to do
in Philadelphia.

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Eat cheesesteaks, hoagies,
pretzels, water ice.

147
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Rip off a piece of Jason Kelce's beard."

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[groans] How is a dirtbag tour of the city
supporting the dog?

149
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,505
And what's with these batteries?

150
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To throw at people I don't like.

151
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They do that here instead
of punching people they don't like,

152
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,054
but they do that too.

153
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[growls]

154
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Aw, he loves… it.

155
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[Marge grunts]

156
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We have a competition to win.

157
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If you really wanna support me,

158
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stay the hell away
and don't screw this up for us.

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[groans]

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[trainer] This is it.

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Everything we've been working for,
it's all led to this.

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The first of five qualifying rounds.

163
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Oh.

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[commentator] Next up is a newcomer
from Springfield, USA.

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Santa's Little Helper. There he goes!

166
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With a terrific time,
he jumps into the arms of the woman

167
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who made it all possible,
his beloved trainer Adrienne Gesstar.

168
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,815
I drove him here.

169
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,943
I don't even wanna do
any of this stuff now.

170
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:15,073
Being told I'm selfish takes all the fun
out of only thinking about myself.

171
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[knocks on door]

172
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,619
Mr. Simpson,
we urgently need to speak to you

173
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,622
on a matter
of grave historical importance.

174
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[yelps] Nerds!

175
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,583
No, no, my colleagues and I

176
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are the Historians of America's
Great Inventors and Enlightened Men.

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[Homer] Whoo. H.O.A.G.I.E. Men.

178
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:37,095
It's true, and one of the most
confounding puzzles in American history

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can be solved by your dog.

180
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It's all explained in this simple diagram.

181
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:50,608
Oh, interesting. I see.
You three are nutjobs.

182
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,986
It is imperative that we locate your dog.

183
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:58,992
He is a national treasure,
or to be more technical, canus ex machina.

184
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:02,453
The dog's not here, nutjobs.
He's with my wife at the…

185
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:06,666
Homer, think. You can't let these nutjobs
find Marge at the dog show

186
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,836
or they'll ruin everything
she worked so hard for.

187
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:16,676
Wait, wait, this is my chance to actually
support my wife just like I lied I would!

188
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,139
Um, my wife and dog are sightseeing.

189
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:24,642
Tell you what, you fill me in
on the highly plausible things

190
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:28,146
your perfectly normal brain
is telling you about my dog

191
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:31,357
while we look for them
at all these amazing places.

192
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:39,115
250 years ago, Philadelphia was home
to America's greatest statesman, diplomat,

193
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,492
and inventor, Benjamin Franklin.

194
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,870
Wow. Amazing.

195
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,831
-But the thing about Benjamin Franklin--
-Who's that?

196
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,124
We just told you.

197
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,709
He played for the Sixers?

198
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,630
He had another talent
that only we know about.

199
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:54,964
He was a thief.

200
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:58,968
While pretending to negotiate
the Treaty of Paris,

201
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,972
Franklin stole millions in gold
from the Palace of Versailles

202
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:07,810
and smuggled it home in the brassieres
of his various mistresses!

203
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:13,691
He only trusted one member
of his inner circle

204
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:19,906
to help hide his ill-gotten treasure,
his beloved greyhound!

205
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,660
"But wait, Benjamin Franklin never had
a greyhound," you say?

206
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,995
-I do?
-Well, that's where you're wrong!

207
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:31,918
Franklin hid his connection to this
amazing breed until we discovered this.

208
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:37,298
It's true. Your dog is a direct descendant
of Franklin's greyhounds,

209
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:40,093
and he will lead us to this very key,

210
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:44,097
which will unlock the vault
containing Franklin's millions,

211
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:49,519
a vault hidden somewhere here
in the City of Brotherly Love!

212
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,522
Um, Pittsburgh?

213
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,357
[historians sigh]

214
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:59,654
I'm proud of you, boy.
You worked so hard today.

215
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:02,782
Hey, let's have some fun
with other doggies.

216
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,284
[dogs barking]

217
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:09,414
No, no, no. No time for play.
We have to stay focused.

218
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,499
Oh, you're right. Of course.

219
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:12,583
Come with me.

220
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:16,629
We're going to a very special place
for only the most important dogs.

221
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:25,179
Okay, you got your picture
in front of the Rocky statue.

222
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,806
Now let's do the other ones.

223
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,600
Look, Homer, your dog is the key
to finding a treasure

224
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,562
that the human mind can barely comprehend.

225
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:36,441
-Do you understand that?
-I understood "barely comprehend."

226
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:40,028
Take us to your dog!

227
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,446
Yeah, look, nerds,

228
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,198
as much as I love
to keep humoring you, here's the truth.

229
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:48,202
You're crazy. There's no treasure.
My dog's just a regular dog,

230
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:52,498
and I've spent the whole day smartly
keeping you away from him and my wife.

231
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:53,583
There they are!

232
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:59,422
[gasps] Canus ex machina. Hoagies, roll!

233
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:08,598
Um, Adrienne, why did you take us
to a colonial firefighting exhibit?

234
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:13,895
Marge, do you know who started the first
volunteer fire company in America?

235
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,772
-It was--
-Benjamin Franklin.

236
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,356
-You.
-You.

237
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:18,775
-Them?
-Us.

238
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,359
-Marge!
-Homer!

239
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:23,821
These crazies think our dog
is George Washington's grandson.

240
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,656
I was trying to keep them away from you.

241
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,450
Well, you did a great job.

242
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,536
That's very kind, but no, I didn't.
I failed.

243
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,706
Hey, can I get your help?
These lunatics keep stalking me.

244
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,166
We're not lunatics.

245
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:39,587
That dog is sacred! He's going to lead us
to Franklin's treasure!

246
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,380
Get out of here, you dirts.

247
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,633
Ugh. Dog people, am I right?

248
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:48,346
[gasps] No. No, no, no, no.
Not our nation's first fire hydrant.

249
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,056
We don't pee on history!

250
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:53,476
But, Marge, his pee is history.

251
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:57,897
Benjamin Franklin bred his greyhounds
to have a special urinary enzyme

252
00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:02,401
that can reveal secret messages he wrote
as to the location of his gold.

253
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:06,280
Oh, my God, you're the same amount
of crazy as those other crazies.

254
00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:07,782
Am I?

255
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,744
[Marge] "Hasten to the first sewer
and west,

256
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,413
so with the lightning key be blessed."

257
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,583
That's where we'll find the key
to Franklin's gold.

258
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:18,918
Let's go, boy.

259
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,921
Adrienne,
you're not going anywhere with my dog.

260
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:23,923
Betray!

261
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,056
He chose her?

262
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,266
Oh. [cries]

263
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:37,603
Adrienne!

264
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,774
Santa's Little Helper chose

265
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:45,444
that treasure-hunting
canine nutritionist over me.

266
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,906
I want my dog back.

267
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,161
Okay, Marge, we're gonna get him back.

268
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:57,206
If we just solve this piddle riddle,
we'll know where Adrienne took him.

269
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,501
We'll never figure this out.

270
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,630
Yeah, we're not smart like Lisa
or evil like Bart.

271
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,550
[gasps] Family meeting!

272
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:10,469
Having fun without us?

273
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:13,306
Oh. That's where Dad is.

274
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:16,350
Smarty, Criminal,
figure out what this message means.

275
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:22,648
"Hasten to the first sower and west,
so with the lightning key be blessed"?

276
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,026
It's pronounced "sewer," genius.

277
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,611
[gasps] No, it's not.

278
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:30,823
Sewer, as in one who sews.
It must mean Betsy Ross,

279
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,744
who sewed the first American flag
in Philadelphia in 1777.

280
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,831
That scheming trainer must be headed
to Betsy Ross's house.

281
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,918
[gasps] That's at 239 Arch Street.

282
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,711
How'd you know that?

283
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:47,882
I passed it a bunch of times today while
trying to find M. Night Shyamalan's grave.

284
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:52,803
But in a crazy twist, he's still alive,

285
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:54,931
and I know just how to get us there.

286
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:59,143
Our next stop on our Segway through
Philadelphia history is a reenactment

287
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:04,440
of the Battle of Broad Street,
also known as the Super Bowl 52 Riot.

288
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:08,861
And now I take you all the way back
to the year 2018.

289
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,739
And Eagles win!

290
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:12,949
[blows horn]

291
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,408
-[clamoring]
-Patriots suck!

292
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:22,250
[♪ upbeat instrumental music plays]

293
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,543
We have to go through that Mummers Parade.

294
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:27,505
No time for a set piece. Double back.

295
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,301
This is it. Where's the dog?

296
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,680
[dog barking]

297
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,809
The bark's coming from the direction
of this warm 18th-century lever

298
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,894
that looks like it was recently pulled.

299
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,854
[both scream]

300
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,275
[coughs]

301
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:51,946
Homer?

302
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:56,492
Stuck. Too fat for colonial tubes.

303
00:17:56,576 --> 00:18:01,330
Ah. Just in time, Marge.
Now that my dog has led me here,

304
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:06,127
he'll retrieve the very key
to unlock Franklin's lost treasure.

305
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:18,055
You see?
This is what I've been training him for.

306
00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:20,891
Time for the real dog show.

307
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:42,371
The key! [laughs] You found it! Come!

308
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,374
If he takes another step on that thing,
it'll collapse.

309
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,459
Stay.

310
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:47,543
Come.

311
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,794
Stay.

312
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,465
Sorry, Marge,
but I'm the one with the whistle.

313
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,344
[inhales deeply]

314
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,846
Ow! What was that?

315
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:02,850
A D-cell, otherwise known
as a Philadelphia handshake.

316
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,019
Game over, lady.

317
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,021
[scoffs] Nice try.

318
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:10,775
No!

319
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:16,697
Santa's Little Helper, I'm your mommy.
I introduced you to bone broth.

320
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,493
The whole family wanted to dye you green
for St. Patrick's Day,

321
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:23,537
and I'm the one who said no.

322
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:29,293
We need you alive.
So I'm begging you, just stay.

323
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:34,548
[gasps] That's my boy.

324
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,176
I'm not leaving here without that key!

325
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,522
[yelps]

326
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:53,651
[screams] Go, Birds.

327
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,993
Little mister, where are you?

328
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,039
I don't think he made it.

329
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,582
This is my fault.

330
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:13,212
All this crazy diet and training was
because I wanted him to live longer.

331
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,047
And now he's gone.

332
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,718
I was so stupid. Having any pet is stupid.

333
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,761
When we got Santa's Little Helper,

334
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:24,223
we didn't just say,
"Yes, I'd like to rescue this dog."

335
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:29,228
We said, "Hi. I volunteer to have
my heart ripped out of my chest someday,

336
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:34,650
because no matter how much time we get to
have together, it will never be enough."

337
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,527
[cries]

338
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,321
He's looking down on us from above.

339
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:43,909
No, he's not. I never got him christened.
He's in doggy limbo.

340
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,412
No. Real above.

341
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,336
He made it!
Now we just have to get him down.

342
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,630
You just leave that to me.

343
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:57,715
Gobble, gobble!

344
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,138
[crashing]

345
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:19,361
Let's get you home.
You already have the key to my heart.

346
00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:21,822
Who could possibly want anything else?

347
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,245
[exclaims, sniffing]

348
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:43,344
-[barks]
-Yeah, sure, you can drive.

349
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,471
He loves it.

350
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,308
[♪ sad music plays]

351
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,281
[♪ vocalized version of theme music plays]

352
00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:43,487
Shh.